How Do You Really Understand Someone?

My side passion has always been to meddle in other people's relationship issues. And over the years, in addition to being a business and management consultant, I have even earned the title of "Matchmaker of the Century."

This title was given to me by the couples I have match-made.

It is not because I have match-made thousands of people. It is because the people whom I have match-made usually have hard-to-resolve issues which make them not wanting marriage. My longest record has been working with a lady for 8 years, to finally get her to say "I do."

Many people have told me the reason why they could not get married is because they have not found someone they like.

What I have seen is people wasting lots of time in dating.

They wanted to "make sure" someone is the right one. They hanged on to futile relationships or they break up with the person whom they should have married.

Here is another issue: if you have met someone you like, how do you go about understanding that person? Do you go out with him to watch a movie? Have dinner? Kiss? Observe how he dresses? Ask about his background?

The truth is: you cannot fully understand a person this way!

It is not that you are not smart enough. It is the fact that even he himself does not know himself.

You ask him 10 questions about life. He says, "I don't know" or even if he gives an answer, it is not completely how he feels. Can you see the problem? He is not even sure why he gives those answers!

If you really want to know a person completely, you need to use a whole lifetime and at least be with him/her!

And people change. Your favorite color, food, music and hobbies all can change. So if you think you "understand" someone, I guess this could only happen if he/she never changes.

For some of you, your parents or siblings have not understood you despite spending so much time together.

Thus, to find a partner who can truly understand you is almost an impossible task!

You spend 2 years dating this person – how well do both of you know each other?

So why waste the 2 years? Why not just get married first and then try to understand each other?

At least this is your better half, you will start to manage your marriage life, have kids, etc.

This kind of life is real.

When you are just a boyfriend and a girlfriend, what you understand and know about each other is not real – both sides are always withholding certain things.

How she dresses for you at the date may not be how she dresses usually. After marriage, she may not dress this way or speak to you in the same manner.

And the love sparks between you and her are just like acting in a play. No matter how much you have given for this relationship, it is like trying to fill up a bucket with water, but the bucket is filled with holes.

You assume that spending more time together will help you understand each other more.

I have to tell you this truth: over time, one simply has better skills to not reveal certain things and matters that get covered up between both of you will become more and more!

A lady came and met me for the first time. She told me she was with her boyfriend for 8 years.

And the second time she met with me again, I told her, "You can separate from your boyfriend. This year we will find someone for you and you can get married." Tears streamed down her eyes.

After one week, she separated from her boyfriend. Now she is happily married, expecting a child, and happier than ever before!

This lady later asked me, "How did you know I should separate with my boyfriend?"

I understood what happened. She spent 8 years with her ex-boyfriend, but there was no end to it. She could not make the decision to stop, and thus, continued to drag it on tediously.

Of course, separation is not always a must. But if the other person has no intention to get married and is not dedicating his/her energy to manage the relationship toward that goal, then the relationship should be ended.

So how do you understand someone? By giving your full energy, commitment and decision to understand and be with him/her for the rest of your life.

This type of commitment and energy is the same as dedicating your full attention to your career, building your team, or achieving a higher performance in anything you do.

You can only get the rewards you want if you have first put in enough energy and dedication -- unconditional dedication.

Hellen Chen


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